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OH HAI! Member me? I politely declined when you invited me to your house to try ecstasy for my first time. You said it would be totally safe because you are "trust-worthy" and "respectful" guy who would never take advantage of me while I am rolling like those other gross pervert boys in the night clubs. Just so you know, I don't regret declining, because even if you didn't take advantage of me, I would still have to live with the shame of dry humping the arm of your couch to the beat of some trance/techno song with my sunglasses on.

Birthin Babiez!!!
No wonder people are so afraid of having babies. Every where I turn there is a woman who has a horror story about her vag totally falling out and her uterus exploding when she gave birth. As someone who has never been pregnant, but would like to have kids at some point, I am tired of hearing about each and every terrible thing that has happened to your boobs, uterus, vag, and stomach as a result of having kids. No shit, giving birth is painful. You have to squeeze out a fucking water melon. I am aware of this. But the thing about pain is that anxiety makes it worse. So stop with the anxiety-provoking stories in front of women who have never given birth!

I have quite fond memories of sexual education. I think my most fond memory is from 8th grade, when our health teacher informed us that he knew which ones of us were sexually active - because he could see it in our eyes (I shit you not). Anyway, at the time I was fine with this, because I knew he wasn't seeing any sex related demons in my eyes. I wasn't having secks in 8th grade, because you see, it isn't secks when you do it in the butt. That is why it is called "butt love." All my friends did it - all the time. I would guess that 70% if my class butt loved behind the bleachers, in the bathrooms, pretty much anywhere and everywhere. The cool thing about it was that we were still virgins, since butt love didn't count. The purpose of this blog isn't to talk about butt love, but to talk about how the gays ruined it. Ever since the gays discovered butt love and started doing it and putting it on the inter-tubes, it has ruined it for all us straight people. And of course, thanks to them, it is now no longer butt love, but is now considered butt secks. The gays took something lovely and meaningful and ruined it by making it dirty! Now none of us straight people can enjoy the priviledge of butt love anymore! I really think we should stop this nonsense by paying a visit to DC.

Another thing I would like to mention is con-DEMS. When I was in middle school and high school, there was all this talk about not having real secks, because it could result in pregnancy. The neato thing was, no one told us that you could use con-DEMS and have an experience that is very similar to secks. Only it isn't secks, because you can't get pregnant from it! Neat concept, huh?

God Save the Sperm : The Forgotten Male
With all this talk about anti abortion, I would like to raise a question: What about the MENZ?!?!?! We are always talking about women with their silly ovaries and eggs and potential unborn babies and I am sick of hearing about it! Have we forgotten that men, not women are the most important people in these types of decisions? Women cannot get pregnant without sperm, so I propose a new movement: saving the potential unborn babies through government control of testicles. Every time a man gets a vasectomy, Jesus cries. Every time a woman gets her period, Jesus cries. The reason why Jesus has been crying so much because men are selfishly interfering with God's will by preventing their sperm from meeting eggs by getting vasectomies or using con-damns. Every time a man throws away a used con-damn, he is throwing away his potential children. None of these poor 1/2 humans ever even get a proper burial. We just flush them down the toilet just like we do our dead goldfish. For this, our country is condemned to eternal damnation. At night, I cry for the unborn potential children and cry on behalf of Jesus, because I know he is crying too.

I am really excited for Governor Palin to run in 2012. She is the only one who would ever address this issue. I think America needs to get his priorities straight and make this the focus of the next campaign. I can't wait for 2012. It will be a treat for me to watch Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin debating over what really matters - Testicles.

By the way, here is a little reminder for the American people:

Ladies, please remember that every time your husband masturbates, you are an accessory to the murder. He wouldn't have to masturbate if you were doing your job and giving him the necessary pleasure he needs. If you suspect your husband has been masturbating, please go to church and beg god and our lord, Jesus for forgiveness.

Single men, you should stop masturbating. If you need to, purchase pleasure services from a prostitute and don't use a con-damn. It is the lesser of the two evils. At least if you use a prostitute, your sperm have the option of uniting with an egg. Also, please not that if you get AIDS, just relax and accept the fact that it is punishment from god for being so lusty.

OMG...McCain for Prezident Part II !!!111!!
OMG! I wuz watching the nooz today and realized that McCain is awesome and smart and a totally nice guy. He like, totally respects women and that is why he picked Palin for vice prez! He said during his last debate that he is SO PROUD OF HER!!! That is just really kewl. When he said that, it totally reminded me of when my mommy said she was SO PROUD of me when I learned how to read when I was 4. Get it? McCain is totally proud of Palin just like my mommy was proud of me! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I think ALL americans will start respecting Palin just like McCain does!!!

It is totally sexist that women don't like Palin. They are all jus jellis because she used to be a bathing suit model. I don't understand what women's problems are. I think they are just jellis because they didn't get to get judged and checked out by enough men. Palin worked reallllly hard to get where she is today! I mean, its like real hard for woman to get in with the republicanz when she is such a hot hockey mom and totally pro-lyfe and just wants to save the bay-bees!!! It takes a lot of courage for a woman to stand up AGAINST women's rights! I personally think that women are given too much power and Palin so courageous by helping the menz get back the power they handed out to women! It's super cool that like, she wants to put women back where they belong while working in politics herself...its IRONIC and irony is kewl!!! She is soooo good at being the VP pick that Focus on the Family interviewed her! I betcha Dr. Laura likes her too!

I mean, just sit back and imagine how sucky American will be if Barrack Hussein OSAMA wins! Just think about it. The army is only going to let the GAYS in! You are going to have to gay hump to even be admitted! They are going to start teaching SEX EDUCATION in all schools! Do you know what that causes??? It causes all the teenagers to go and have secks!!! Secks education puts crazy ideas into innocent teenage minds. When the boys should be doing their bible studies, they are busy thinking about CLITORISES!!! If we didn't teach boys about clitorises, they would be able to study what Jesus invented, which is the bible!11!! Barrack OSAMA is also going to take money out of everyone's paycheck and give it to other people to raise their illegitimate children and buy forteeeeez (You know who I am taking about....the people whose race rhymes with "sack"). He is also going to make the official race of Americans black. Also, he is going to make abortion factories on every block!!! They are going to charge all the stupid feeble minded women $500 where they will get trendy "abortions" for a free tee shirt. Before we know it, these abortion factories will be even more profitable than EXXON!!! We can't let anything be more richer than EXXON! Except maybe WALMART. I will give a free pass to walmart, because that is where I was when GOD first whispered in my ear to buy my first Ann Coulter and DR Laura books. Oh yeah, and another thing he is gonna do is force all WHITE women to take birth control and encourage all black women to have a million trillion baybees that white men will have to pay for!!! The world is going to be over run with black baybees!!! We need more WHITE babies!!!!! What are we going to do??? I did my part and got pregnant tonight. On PURRPISS! And I am going to have a baby every year just like those Duggars did! I am going to name my babies GODS WHITE ARMY to help defend us against the Black devils, the abortionists, the socilests, and the hairy witch craft practicing femi-nazis!!!!!!

Oh yeah, and that socialest thing. I think I know what they are talking about. Obama is a communest, because that is like the same thing as socialest! And you know what that means? It means that all democrats are socialest, so I think us republicans should be the ANTI-socials! That would be soooo sooper kewl. If we are like, ANTI-socials, doesn't that mean we are the opposite of socialests? It's like the democrats are socialests, the moderates are socialer, and the republicans are ANTI-Social!

Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West

My boyfriend was randomly mailed a film titled 'Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West.'  Supposedly, tens of thousands of this DVD have been sent to independents in battleground states.  I am always interested in laughing at hearing at bigots different views, so I decided to check out the DVD.  First, I checked out the cover of the DVD.  Here are some of the things I noticed:

1. This film is distributed by the Clarion Fund.  Who is the Clarion Fund and how did they get the funding to distribute this DVD?  I went to their website, which by the way, contains very little information.  I did not find any names, only a generic email address.  I emailed the organization to get more information about their funding and have still gotten no response.

2.  The cover of the movie says $19.95 MRP.  What is MRP?  MSRP stands for Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price.  I googled 'MRP' and found nothing. What does this stand for?  Obviously this DVD is not really for sale and there is no suggested retail price.  Attempt to obtain credibility = Epic Fail.

3.  According to the Executive producer of '24,' this is 'required viewing for everyone,' to which I reply:

I didn't know that Howard Gordon is the omnipotent master of my required viewing materials. 

4. The cover states that this movie has been 'Shown on CNN and Fox News!!!!!'  I am not even going to address Fox News showing this film, because we all know the credibility of Fox News is equal to the size of the dot I just drew below:

The only CNN anchors who endorse this film are Kyra Phillips and Glenn Beck, who are liberals by name only.  Kyra Phillips is a bigot and Glenn Beck believes that global warming is not caused by humans and compares those who disagree with him to Hitler. EPIC FAIL.

5. The DVD jacket boasts that Obsession has won awards the following film festivals: Liberty Film Festival and Houston Worldfest International Film Festival.  I have heard of neither of these organizations. 

I did a little research on the Liberty Film Festival and found the following information:

1. Liberty Film Festival considers itself a forum for conservative thought on film.
2. The Liberty Film Festival often holds retreats featuring people like David Horowitz.  A little background info on Horowitz; he's a real nice guy; an opponent of affirmative action policies, as well as reparations for slavery.

I also did some research on the Houston World Film Festival.  Here are my findings:

1. Hunter Todd, the executive producer for the Houston World Film Festival, has been the producer, director, writer and/or cameraman for Exxon and Shell. 

My conclusion:  Wow, this movie is going to be super truth-tacular!!!  I better get my arsenal together, because those A-RABS are going to attack!  Here is a picture of me and my arsenal:

I of course, had to actually watch the video.  The video is every bit as awesomely stupid as I suspected.  No disappointments there.  Here are some really neat, super notable, and telling moments from the Film:

1.  This movie showed an Islamic Extremist Rap Video as 'proof that Muslims want to kill Christians and Jews'.  No joke.  The top corner of the screen said 'Source: Internet.'  Wow, soooo credible, because we all know that everything you find on the internets is true, especially rap videos featuring Islamic Extremists.  Rap video totally = Documentary.  EPIC FAIL.

2. The film had a disclaimer in the beginning of the film that said 'Most Muslims are peaceful,' but shortly into the film, one of the interviewers said 'Who supports radical Islam?'  A clip came up of thousands on Muslims praying towards Mecca, insinuating that all of them do.  She then said that it is hard to tell, but probably 10-15% of Muslims are radical and the population of radical Muslims is than the entire US population.
First of all, it looks like someone needs a visit from the Math Fairy.  15% of the Muslim population is less than half of the population of the United States.  Another EPIC Fail. PLUS, I HIGHLY doubt that as many as 10 to 15% of Muslims are extremists. 

3. One of the interviewees in the video insinuated that actors from Hollywood would vote republican if the events from 9-11-2001 happened on the West Coast. Obviously this makes no sense, considering New York is still a blue state.  EPIC FAIL.

4. The video basically said that all Muslims are ZOMG just like Nazis, only MORE dangerous.  In fact, according to this video, the Palestinians absolutely loved Hitler were like his BFF!  A few minutes later, the video said that Muslims think that Christian people like to kill Jewish people and drink their blood.  No Joke. EPIC FAIL.

5.  The video repeatedly showed the same clip of a group of about 5 middle easterners stepping on the American flag.  Guess they couldn't come up with any other clips of flag hate?  Oh yeah, most of them probably feature god-fearing white people (you know, the people this video considers to be REAL people).  If stepping on the American flag means you are a terrorist, there are terrorists from all religions and ethnicities.  Another EPIC FAIL.

6.  One of the interviewers said that it is the job of moderate Muslims to stand up to extremists.  I went to this Movie's website only to see that the home page contains a link to a website that maintains that there are NO moderate Muslims. Nice double speak there.  Another EPIC FAIL. 

Nice.  So I gather this movie is to serve either the people who think the apocalypse is coming (think of someone whose name rhymes with the word Failin Sailin') and people who benefit from oil.  Maybe it is just a shitty fear mongering video to scare people into voting for McCain, cause you know, he is the one who wants to 'protect' us by cutting off funding for domestic programs to fund wars that Americans do not approve of national defense. If you got this video and share the same thoughts with the producers of this movie that they are no longer permitted to send you their bigoted propaganda.  I am so glad this movie was an epic failure, though.  It provided Dave and I with some comedic materiel.

Todd Palin Keeps it Classy

Why no, I do not know how to deal with people.
If there is one thing that gets on my nerves, and presumably a lot of people feel the same way, it is hearing the same god-damned untrue statement uttered by different people over and over and over again.

There is one conversation in particular that I have over and over again that makes me want to strangle people.  Here is how it goes:

OP: What was your major?

ME: Psychology

OP: Well, psychology is a great major.  You get to learn how to deal with people and that is important in any profession.

ME: Uh, yeah.

The response I always get is some variation of "you are good with people."  Well, except for that time when some guy asked if I could read his mind. After that happened, I was tempted to stab myself with a butter knife as a sacrifice to god to pay for the rampant stupidity in the human race. Back to the subject:  I am not good with people. My Psychology degree did not improve my "people skills." I n fact, I am a little bit socially retarded.  I am not good at relating to other people and I have very little patience, which probably explains why I am at my wits end with people telling me that my major has helped me deal with people. 

In case anyone who is confused about Psychology majors are reading this blog, let me give you this advice: Every time you tell a Psychology major that their education has helped them deal with people, they automatically think you are ignorant and annoying.

In case you are interested, COMMUNICATIONS is the major that most likely will help people deal with others.

When I was a Psychology major, I learned the following things:

- The history of Psychology, including Freud, BF Skinner, Jung, Maslow and all those other mother fuckers.

-Research and Statistics. No, we Psych majors are not retards who don't have any quantitative skills. We learned how to do regression analysis and all kinds of other fun shit on our $85 graphing calculators.

-Classical conditioning in laboratories. We learned all about Pavlov.  If you would like a demonstration of Pavlovian psychology, I would be happy to shoot you with a stun gun every time you say some dumb shit about me being able to deal with people. I guarantee that after about 2 times, you will never say that shit again. That's the Pavlovian way.

-We learned a whole hell of a lot about cognitive neuroscience. Heavy shit.  I'm talking synapses between neurons. Neurotransmitters. Receptors. The part of your brain that controls short term memory, the Hippocampus.  The motor cortex. We pretty much learned to diagram every physical part of the brain along with the chemical and electrical crap that goes on in your head. 

For all you potheads, here is what happens in your brain: basically the big blunt you just smoked activated the neurons in your brain that release GABA, which inhibits your neurotransmitters. This is why you get all those funny feelings. Your Amygdala, which controls fear, is suppressed.  Your basal ganglia is slowed down, which is why you are more likely to take a nose dive into your carpet. Your poor Hippocampus. Do you remember anything I just said?

-I learned all about mental illnesses: Schizophrenia, Personality disorders, Major Depression, Bi-Polar Depression, Anxiety Disorders, etc... For one of my class projects, I got to hang out with a dude who has Schizophrenia. And guess what? He was intelligent, down to earth, and friendly.

-I learned about mental retardation: Fragile X, Down Syndrome, and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

There are like, a million other things, but I am getting lazy and don't feel like listing them.

Once again, no- my college education was not spent learning how to talk to people.

OMG...McCain for Prezident11!!!!!!
I've gotta hand it to McCain...He is the MAN! I think he may have totally converted me to repulicanism. He is brilliant and will probably be the best prez eva!

I mean, who couldn't LOVE John McCain? I checked out his voting record and did some research. The man is a true american hero.

McCain totally voted against the Civil Rights act of 1991, which is awesome, because Civil Rights are totally over-rated. Who really needs Civil Rights. I am sick of women and coloreds crying discrimination when we know damn well that never happens anymore.

The other real cool thing about McCain is that he voted against making Martin Luther King Jr. day a national holiday. I think he should take it up a notch and propose a bill to do away with Black History Month as well as Women's History Month. I mean, it is soooo incredibly unfair to white men. They have been so disenfranchised. I think we should have white men's history month, because it isn't like we ever got anything like that in school. We need to remind white men that they are appreciated. And I don't want to hear any bull-poop about them being "privilaged." White men don't even know they are privilaged, so that means they aren't!!! I mean, you have to know you are privilaged to be priviliaged.

Another really hip thing about McCain is that he promotes abstinence only education. It is so hip, because it is new. I mean, no one has ever expected women to be the sexual gate keepers. It is like empowering. He wants to do away with abortion cause he is into saving the babieeeez!!11! I think women are sick of all this reproductive freedom nonsense anyway. If we have our reproductive rights simply removed, we will not have to deal with pesky issues like when to have children. All of that will be decided for us.

Also, he has Pastor Hagee's endorsement. Pastor Hagee has made some really brave controversial quotes like "All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." You gotta love a man who has ballz.

The last thing I will mention is that his view on not helping people whose houses have forclosed is really admirable. People should stop blaming layoffs, oil prices, and the shitty economy for their houses being foreclosed. People who make poor life choices are always looking for external things to blame their problems on. I mean, this is America and in America people have free will. That means you can do whatever you want if you put work into it. I mean, just look at George Bush. He was a simple guy from Texas and now he is the leader of a free nation. That right there is proof.

Oh and last but not least- McCain totally bagged a trophy wife. If that doesn't make him manly enough to be prez, I don't know what does. Oh yeah, the fact that he cheated on her...what a playa! He was just being a man, and that is just what men do!!!

Movies these days continue to suck
Have you ever seen a movie that had gotten rave reviews only to be like "what the fuck did I just watch?" I have seen several movies over the past few years that have evoked that exact reaction. What is up with people's taste these days? Here are a few cases: (there may be spoiler warnings)


Juno sucked. The dialog between the characters was completely annoying and made me want to poke my eyes out. I mean, who the fuck talks like that? What really gets me is this movie was touted as a "feminist" movie, because the main female character was not a dumb-ass. If that is the only qualification for being a "feminist" film, I think I might want to shoot myself. My boyfriend, who is very moderate, politically speaking, and does not consider himself a feminist, actually suggested that the movie is "right-winged propaganda." While I don't think I would go that far, I can see how one would think that. Case in point: Juno misrepresented places like Planned Parenthood (kind of like the typical fundie right-winged repugs do). For instance, in one scene of Juno, the receptionist at "Women First" was handing out flavored condoms like lollipops and acting totally unprofessional. Also- when Juno told Leah she was pregnant, Leah did not even mention any form of contraception. If my best friend had called me and told me she was pregnant at 16, the first question I would have asked her would have been whether or not she used a condom. Oh, and it was totally gross how 16 year old Leah wanted to bang her 50 year old teacher. I am sorry, but that does not occur in real life. 16 year olds are not little Lolitas and I did not appreciate them being portrayed as such.

The DaVinci Code:
The movie sucked even more than the book. I actually fell asleep during it.

Super Bad:
This movie, while it had its funny moments, was completely insulting. What girl would really believe that "McLovin" was 21? And what is up with that guy totally freaking out over the period blood? He thinks period blood is gross, yet he is willing to drink beer out of laundry detergent containers? And what is up with them trying to get laid with drunk chicks? There is a word for intentionally getting girls drunk to obliteration so you can sleep with them: rape. In this move, all guys are walking penises who think they are entitled to any pussy they want and girls are walking recepticles. Case in point: Jonah Hill's character said that he wanted to "make Jules his girlfriend for the summer." Who the fuck says that? Oh I just want to "make you my girlfriend for the summer so we can bang a few times before I go to college." I like how Jules' character dodged around the issue by saying she didn't want to talk about it while he was drunk. What she should have said is "there is no way in hell I would go out with you, you little self-entitled prick!

Anyway, I'm sure I could think of others if I wanted to.

Here are some movies that do not suck: Requiem for a Dream, Little Miss Sunshine, Teeth, The Royal Tenenbaums, Big Girls Don't Cry (German), and Party Monster.